I loved you once: perhaps that love has yet
To die down thoroughly within my soul;
But let it not dismay you any longer;
I have no wish to cause you any sorrow.
I loved you wordlessly, without a hope,
By shyness tortured, or by jealousy.
I loved you with such tenderness and candor
And pray God grants you to be loved that way again.
– A.S. Pushkin
I just want to be out of love. Just for now, just for a while.
I know life should be more than just about relationships. And it still is for me. Friends and family, career and hobbies, I am so very thankful for all the wonderful things I have in life. But there’s a huge empty space where love used to be, and nothing, or no one, fits it quite right. Because before you came along, there was this tiny little bubble that I reserved for love. Then somehow you crept in, and little by little you stretched it and stretched it, until the bubble burst and thoughts of you seeped into every corner of my heart. And there it remains, this black hole of emptiness that sucks the light out of my life. It takes the joy out of time spent with friends, dampens the fulfillment of a job well done, and every time I smile, it just seems a little less sincere.
Perhaps it was my fault for not letting go, that led us here, entangled and confused. And I’m sorry for not making it easier for you, just because it’s not easy for me. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, to tell you that your happiness means more to me than my own, then make you suffer because I’m suffering.
Like you said, people change. You are not the person I fell in love with, yet I’m in still very much in love with who you are today and who you used to be. But I am not what you want. So I guess whether you know what you want or whether you can ever find what you want is really not the question.
Truth hurts and truth matters. I don’t really know what’s true anymore, and that shakes the very foundation of what I live by. So perhaps I should just follow the same belief in love as in religion.
I will live by faith.
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