I miss me. What the heck does that mean?
I don’t know what to say.
I am watching 21 Grams. I don’t know how when or why I downloaded it. I’m very sad. No one is happy in this story. Is anyone happy in this world?
I went traveling. Met many people. We played and drank and danced. We licked the back of cards and stuck them on our foreheads and thought it was the most hilarious thing in the world. We drank the hostel vending machine’s Chu-Hi stash dry. We bargained with the club bouncers and secretly discussed the possibility of flashing them to get in for cheap. We jumped and bobbled our heads and screamed words we don’t understand. We went to bed red eyed smelling of cigarettes and exhaustion.
I looked at temple after temple. I went up to a tall, handsome, blond boy in a green and white t-shirt and asked him to take a picture of me. I followed him through the long corridors of Honganji, tap tap tap, bare feet on old wooden floor. We sat on the steps of the temple, me, first from the top, he, first from the bottom. We walked out, me, turning to the left, he, turning to the right. On the wall some famous person once said: その人を憶いてわれは生き。その人を忘れてわれは迷う。
I went to visit dead people. Ran up and down streets outside the temple. I found many. One for the dead in the war. People wrote prayers and drew praises on marble blocks and put them along the steps. One was up in the mountain where most people either feared or did not care to venture to. The temple that was supposed to protect their spirits was broken and uncared for. Then I finally found it. The mausoleum where hundreds, perhaps thousands rested. I wonder if they feel disturbed. Or maybe just thought it amusing that people came to be wowed by their headstones.
I went to Nara. I fed deer. Looked at the city from atop a mountain. It was cold. We drove through the closed mountain road at night. It was frightening. I was frightened. I did not like it much. But all is well. I will not return there.
I went shopping. Walked from the train station to the shopping district, then did most of my shopping back at the station. I bought jewelry for 300 yen. Pretty, shiny little things. I bought a raincoat. I bought stringy tank tops that I can barely squeeze into. I bought a white shirt that will make me look like a business woman buttoned up and a hooker if unbuttoned right. I bought make up and put on a new face. I bought a bag to put in everything I bought.
I went camping. It was cold by the lake. I drank until I vomited all over the lakeside. I asked people questions that I was afraid of the answer to but knew they would lie. I told people to leave me alone but really didn’t want to be left alone. I cried. Or, perhaps, whimpered, because no tears fell. I thought it was rather embarrassing to cry in front of people, and would cause unnecessary questioning and worrying, which really hinders more than helps. In the morning the lakeside was still clean, beautiful, seemingly untouched by neither tears nor last night’s barbeque.
I went mountain trekking. Got myself lost and found a waterfall. It was beautiful because of the journey I had to endure to get there. I like to sweat. It makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something. I like to be ahead of people. It makes me feel like I’m better than some. I found a hint of jealousy. I do not need someone to hold my hand when climbing a mountain. But sometimes I wish someone’s hand would be there for me to hold if I wanted. So I run ahead, to prove that I need no one. To you, to me.
I went to a hot spring. I don’t like hot springs. I am not proud of my body and did not feel comfortable to share my imperfection with others. If I had a beautiful body I don’t know what I would do with it.
21 grams. That’s how much each person loses at the exact moment of his death. I liked this movie.
I am not as strong as I look. I cry often. I am not as honest as you think. I lie often. I am not as good as you want to believe. I disappoint often.
Leave a Reply